just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
