i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
