Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
