All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
