Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
