I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
