I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We have started to decorate penises.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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