We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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