I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
