My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
