She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
