His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
