i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
