# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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