Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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