You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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