"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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