The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
