Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
