Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
