You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize