if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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