we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Houston, we have a squirter
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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