I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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