omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
