based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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