I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
