Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
