Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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