remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
