If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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