Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
