Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
