I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
