got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
