Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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