Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
the condom got lost in my hair
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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