Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
