apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
