I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
