too bad you live with your parents still
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
