Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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