when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
