I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
