A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
