...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize