party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
