I want you more than these girls want KFC
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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