You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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