New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
