By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
