can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
