god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
