and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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