Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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